Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now

devil: done! wait, what the h-

me: no takebacksies

devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule