Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
#catsoftwitter
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks