Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
This checks out
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me sliding into hell like
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
how high up are we talkin’?
waiting for halloween be like:
Personal question. #JustSaying
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
