Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
never deleting this app.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
