psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
“Wait, let me explain..”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
