psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….