psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Stop sending me this shit.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
By Kate Hatos
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace