psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
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The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.