This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Its a hippotatomus
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!