Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

How do you like your Corgi?

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.