Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

my name if I was in the mob

I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.