Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
WHO DID THIS?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.