Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
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When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My neck my back my allergy attack
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table