Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

Y’all ready for this

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

Monday?
No. Next question.