Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

Pickled cat.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.