Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

💀💀💀💀

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.