Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you