Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]