Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.