Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great first step 😂

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands