Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
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I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
🤣
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!