Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

[Creating Humans]

God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.

Angels: Why?

God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.

Angels: Lololol.

God: I hope they call it a funny bone.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

Tuesday

Body by Oreos

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid