Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job