Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now