Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend