Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

🐠

I beg you to euthanise me

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

I had to Stop for this

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.