Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.


Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)


Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It’s like they are cramming for their final exam.


A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.


My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.


Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority


Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism


Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.


Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.