@Thynebear

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

@SissiSay

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

@MinionTrainer

Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It’s like they are cramming for their final exam.

@Cpin42

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

@KentWGraham

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

@maisondecris

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

@Gupton68

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

@RalstonReports

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

@ixSEANxi

Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza

@copymama

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.