@Thynebear

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

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@juneohara65

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

@Shock_Monster

Camping.

Or as I like to call it:

“White people playing homeless.”

@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

@kamiekaymee

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

@portmanteauface

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

@krisv_723

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

@justmeundead

Me: *trying to sleep
Brain: He said you were pretty
Me: *smiles
Brain: but not beautiful

@farleftcoast

The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.

@JohnLyonTweets

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

@Cuntypants

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.