Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.