Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
You Might Also Like
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.