Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.