Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
(by @ZachWeiner )
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.