public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
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[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.