Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
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Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
This dude got his own movie?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
definitely did not do anything wrong
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Mountain Goat : )
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
