Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
You Might Also Like
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*