If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
dude it’s called proctologist
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
When I snag the last meatball.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My current situation