Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
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A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”