Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
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I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom