Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

Who did it better?

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

Swedish for common sense.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless