Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Wait for it
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”