Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

why isn’t he texting back

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Pretty much. 🤣