Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free