Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Tremendous stuff
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.