Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

They must have gotten it to go.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂