Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

Death certificates are our last participation award.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon