Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

This is my brand.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full