Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.