Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*