Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(more comics:

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1589366629816844289/pu/vid/606x1080/DH_8z8NGM3_WlgN3.mp4?tag=12

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.