Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

I’m an avid indoorsman.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Snack for election night!

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.