Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
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Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon