Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”