Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
You Might Also Like
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.