Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?