Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂