Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
How does one answer this?
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.