Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
That’s easy for you to say
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
real
Finished stitching this today 😇
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*