(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”