(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
smh
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.