Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

can’t wait til they legalize outside

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “You’ll be back.”

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.