Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
