Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect