Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.