Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?