pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You Might Also Like
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
the duality of man
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
that would 100% work on me
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind