“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.