Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
You Might Also Like
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.