Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

There’s always that one guy

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.