Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then


Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.


The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat


I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.


Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.


*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”