Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
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I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Aaaa…CHOO!
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.