Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
A cop that contemplates his existence:
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Jamiroquai because Jamirosad.
Friend: What time is it?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”