@CeruleanGates

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

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@MarfSalvador

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

@1evilidiot

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

@Ygrene

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

@OnlyFastEddie

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

@orangecrushable

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

@Lisabug74

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”