Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Ugh but profoundly
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos