Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.

It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

oh u like geography? name every lake

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.