Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
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sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
“Would library staff like training on potential future applications of AI?” my dude I’m still waiting for someone to show me how to use our payroll software
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.