Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
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Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Pringles
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.