Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
when there are deer in the woods
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb