Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?

That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.